Wednesday morning
by Clarkeyfangirl
Summary: A morning at the Clarke-Masood residence. Read and enjoy. And leave a review...I really need to know what you think so please, please don't forget to leave a review when you've read my story! Thank you muchly, sweet reviewers ;D /xxx


**Here it ****is, my second fic. Read it and enjoy. ;)**

**It i****s set some time in the middle of June 2011, and some of the actual events have occurred in my little universe (Syed having confrontations with and being ignored by Zainab and** **Masood for example) and some have not (like the adoption meeting). Also Syed and Tanyas new salon is not yet ready here.**

**No copyright infringement intended, the characters belong to Eastenders and BBC.**

**And to each other ;P**

**c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s**

"Morning gorgeous" I whisper and place a little peck on his nose.

He mumbles something inaudible and I have to smile. Same thing every morning. I know he is really exhausted after all that has happened and needs his rest. He was so down yesterday as well, and I know why. Because of them. He saw them and they ignored him. Again. But we need to get started now, no matter how tired we both are.

I think of everything we've been through lately and I find no words to describe how proud I was of him when he told his parents they would have to accept him living the life he chose if they want him in their lives. But why should he have to choose? Why should this, being happy, being himself, cost him so much? Why do I have to cost him so much? Sometimes I fear it is not going to be worth it for him. I have tried mentioning this but I can't quite make myself say the words.

"Babe, time to get up" I try, and kiss him again, on the cheek this time.

"Mmhhhhmmm… amm wake…" he mumbles without opening his eyes, face down in his pillow.

I look at him, half asleep, and my heart... swells. The complete awe I feel when I look at him still takes me by surprise at times. I know that he and the way I felt about him turned my life around. For the better, because my life really was going nowhere, and fast, when he came into it. He opened up some whole new parts of me, saw sides of me that I didn't even know existed. I give myself a little smirk, my own natural cheesiness amuses me, but it is true. I will always remember the day I realized I was starting to fall in love with him. It was there plain and simple in the way my heart jumped as soon as I saw him come into the café. And in the stab I felt when he said it was a stupid mistake that we had ever been together.

At first I assumed him saying that hurt because I found him and whatever it was we had together so special and beautiful, I had already admitted that much to myself. But then Jane put the words on it, even if she was joking, and I knew she was right. I had started to truly fall for someone, more or less for the first time in my life. Fall for him. And it was going to be for good, I could feel that too, even back then. When I recognised the truth it was like waking up. It felt like the light went on in a room that I never even knew had been dark, and suddenly I _saw_.

"Sy, really, it's time now, get up!" I say a little bit louder and kiss him very lightly on the right side of his forehead, just by his eyebrow.

As I feel a little scar tissue under my lips I am thrown right back. Again I see him lying there on the floor. Unconscious. Blood on his face. For about the thousandth time I realize how close I came to losing him forever and for the thousandth time my heart nearly stops. I can't really believe how lucky I am having him back home, well on the way to recovery. '_I need you_' I said to him then, and I whisper it to him again now 'I need you. Always.' There was something in the picture of him lying on that floor and in that first night at the hospital that even then stirred something in the back of my mind, but I can't put my finger on it. I just remember being so scared, seeing how vulnerable he was, and how much I wanted to protect him.

I swallow hard, stroke his cheek and get out of bed.

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

He gets off the bed and into the bathroom and I do my best to wake up. Mornings were never my thing. Even those days when I go to Mosque in the mornings I really have to force myself to get up although I absolutely want to attend the prayers. Even if I have to go alone. Tam comes with me to the Mosque I go to sometimes, but I know Mum and Dad don't like that and I don't want him to get in trouble.

Mum and Dad… A cheery morning thought. I don't know why it bothers me so much when they blank me out on the street or at the square. I told them weeks ago that they need to let me live my life and that they have to accept that Christian is a part of that life, and I don't regret that at all. But I still get that cold feeling in my stomach every time they ignore me. I feel so alone and helpless it literally chills me to the bones and I won't feel warm again for hours. Not until I get home. I would do anything to have it differently between me and them, but I don't know if that's even possible any more. Christian is being great about it, always asking what he can do for me, offering to listen to me going on about it and telling me without words that he will always be there.

Rubbing my eyes and stretching my arms and unbroken leg I hear him singing and humming and I smile. What a way to wake up I think to myself. Being kissed, hearing him singing away at some stupid little song as the day begins. Always lightening the mood, always spreading laughter wherever he is, even though I know it's a bit of a façade lately. He still manages to make me smile, he always does, and just when I need it the most. That was the first thing I noticed about him. Even the first time I saw him, he just seemed to shine. There was a spark, a light and a warmth within him that just went straight to the core of me. It was something I had never seen in anyone before and right from the start I wanted more of that.

He doesn't know, but I woke up a couple of hours ago. I do that sometimes, but this time I couldn't go back to sleep. I was watching him sleep, hugging his pillow, all curled up. He looks so young when he sleeps, so defenseless. And now he looked so lonely it almost crushed me. Not at all the big, confident superman he usually is. I saw the signs that he had been awake at night, not being able to sleep properly. A glass on the table, a blanket on the chair that wasn't there when we went to bed. It is at moments like that I keep realizing he is not always as strong as he might appear to be. He doesn't like to worry me with these kinds of things, especially right now, and he hides it well most of the time but I can see it.

Behind the laugh and mischief in his eyes, it's right there. He is really upset about Jane leaving like that, and her leaving also brings back the pain of not having Lucy and Peter around and of his mother being so far away. Maybe it's time to talk about all of this soon. I have tried to a couple of times, but he just shakes his head and changes the subject. He misses them all so much, Lucy especially. I know this has brought up those old feelings of being left and abandoned in him again. And then he worries about me as well. He won't talk about it, yet, but I still know.

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

I try my usual morning habits, cheering myself up with some singing as I get ready in the bathroom. But my heart isn't really in it today. I have spent too much time thinking about what happened at the Argee Bhajee, how incredibly lucky I have been to have it turn out so fortunate. And reliving the horror of those minutes when I thought that it would not. Over and over. Constantly being on the edge like this is starting to get at me. I shake my head to try and rid myself of those thoughts as I go to the kitchen.

Luckily I actually remembered to pick everything up at the minute mart yesterday. Bagels, cream cheese, eggs for scrambling, orange juice and cereal. We even have coffee, and I think I might need it this morning, not having slept very well last night. Or the night before.

I hear him getting up and, still a bit clumsy with his bad leg, go into the bathroom to wash up. Force of habit after the last months automatically makes me raise my voice and call out to him.

'Need anything, babe? Help you with anything?'

'No, thanks, I'm fine, I'll only be a couple of minutes' he answers, in that unused-morning-voice I've always loved.

Three clients today, I make a mental note. I've only recently started taking on my clients again, since he's getting around better himself and since he really wants me to, but I still worry about him. Today he is really busy too, meeting Tanya about the reconstruction of their salon, enthusiastic about the starting up of their empire as he should be. But I know he really is worn out, and not only physically. Sometimes he's just to brave for his own good.

I want to talk to him about all the things that have happened, I do. How scared I get thinking about the fact that he might actually have been taken away from me and how hard that is for me to handle. How badly I want him to have his family back on his own terms and how frustrating it is to not be able to help him in any way, especially when I know that he longs so much for them to just accept him. I've gotten used to the fact that they will never accept me, but him? Can't they see how much he needs them? How much he loves them? Thoughts about the whole situation are swirling around in my head again.

And I'd like to talk to him about me, with my usual impeccable timing, blurting out the whole shall-we-put-adoption-out-there-as-a-subject-to-discuss-issue. But I don't think the time is right. For once in my life I have to be patient. This busy Wednesday morning is not the time.

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

He is almost finished in the kitchen when I get there, putting everything on the table. I roll my eyes to myself as I see his bowl of cereal. He is supposed to be a personal trainer and a health freak with a temple for a body, but he is like a five year old with his sugary cereal, he really is.

'Morning beautiful' I say as I pass him and give his neck a kiss.

I linger a couple of seconds just to breathe in his scent. A curl of his lips and a little nudge is what I get, he is concentrating on the scrambled eggs he's making. For me. He doesn't like it that much himself, but still he makes them, because I do. I take the pot of coffee and pour into that mug he always uses and shake my head a little bit as I sit down and take a bagel and some cheese. How did my life get to this wonderful place? Because in spite of everything, it is a wonderful place.

After all of those years of not being truly me, of having to put a mask on every single morning and fight every minute of the day to keep it there, of never feeling relaxed, of never feeling safe or secure I have a hard time getting used to the fact that it can actually be like this. That I am able to not only be who I really am, but I am also being adored and loved for it. That I don't have to lie or hide myself anymore. That I can leave myself completely open with him and not be scared anymore. I never knew I could feel this free and this happy. And he made it happen. It amazes me at one point or another every day.

I eat my bagel and think as I have many times before and especially these last two months. _This is forever_. He is as much my family as Mum and Dad, of course he is. I belong with him, and he is the most important thing in all of my life. I think that I need to tell him this even if he knows by now that that is how I feel. He needs to hear it. That no matter what happens, no matter what my parents think and do, he and I belong together. So often these past months I've been searching for the exact words I want to say to him to express how I feel and what I want, but they keep eluding me.

My eyes drift to him again. I look at him making breakfast, whistling quietly under his breath, almost dancing to whatever music is playing in his head, and feel like my heart is about to burst. The widest smile spreads across my face and I know without a shadow of a doubt that this, me and Christian, is worth everything and will last forever. I decide that I have to talk to him.

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

As I turn around from the stove I see him at the table, putting two sugars in my coffee mug and then push it towards my bowl of cereal and feel a tiny flutter at my heart. These little things he does for me, without even thinking, just gets me. I'm still not used to having someone caring like that, doing those small things every day, but it makes me feel so happy right in the midst of all the crises around us. Once again there is a little stir at the back of my mind. I feel like there is something I should do or say or know, but I can't seem to remember what it is. My memory, for some reason, goes back to that morning in the café, and I remember thinking how I had never, ever even considered anything close to "for good" with anyone before. I remember how right it felt even though Jane's words of being in love also scared me. Jane… And now she's gone, I don't know for how long…

I'm lost in my thoughts for a while and when I come back to the present I see that he smiles at me and nods at the scrambled eggs

'I was asking if I'm being spoiled?' he says looking at me, seeing the answer in my face. 'Again? Why?' he continues with the tiniest question in his voice as the smile slowly fades.

' 'course you're being spoiled. Do I need a reason to spoil my man?' I try to break the slight tension building up.

'Nah, cause I've been such a joy lately, right?' he says, half joking, half serious. Looking at him I realize that he actually wants to talk. For real. Right now. Don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but I can't not do it when he finally wants to.

'Babe, it's been nothing, really…' I assure him. 'It's not strange you're down sometimes with everything that has happened… I'd like you to tell me about it, though, if you can' I say cautiously.

He's not one to talk much about his feelings, but I think it might help if he did.

'Well… there's not much to say… nothing new… I've seen them two days in a row now…' I can see he is struggling with what he has to say 'And they just pretend I'm not there… They don't even see me… Or they look at me like I'm… something disgusting… I'm supposed to be their son…'

His eyes are fixed on his glass of juice, and I reach out to touch his hand across the table.

'Sy…'

'I don't regret anything, Christian!' he says quickly, looking up at me 'Never. And… I don't know why it still gets to me as much as it does… But it does… It just makes me feel so… lost… so lonely… and so cold…'

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

When I say the words I see the light in his face dim just a little and I can tell that he is feeling guilty. In his mind he still sometimes thinks it is his fault.

'… and I know' I say trying to make him really hear me when at last I've started it '… I know I get frustrated and I know I get sad sometimes… What used to be my family is falling more and more apart every day... Mum and Dad are only keeping up appearances… then there's everything about the business… the rebuilding and the money and Dad gambling again… Tam and Afia keeping their marriage a secret and having no idea how or when to be truthful about it… It's just such a madhouse…and I can't even do anything about it because I only get to be a part of it if I keep pretending to be someone I'm not. Which I tried for years already and hurt everyone around me doing so…'

There it is. The whole thing, right there on the table. He looks down, still quiet. Still thinking he caused all of this somehow. How can I explain to him that the only thing keeping me together and sane in all of this is him, knowing he is there for me, knowing I have him? How can I put words to the sense of home, security and at the same time adventure I get just looking at him, hearing his voice? Again, I know that there is something I want to do, something I want to say to make him see it, but it's just outside my reach.

'…but then' I continue, moving a little closer, cupping his chin with my hand, making him look at me '… then I get to come home. To a place where nothing of that can get to me. To the one place where I don't have to worry about that. To you.'

I lean in and give him the softest and most tender kiss I possibly can to underline my words.

'See...' I say as lightly as I can when I let him go 'how's that for cheesy on a weekday morning?'

Still I feel there is more that needs to be said but I get distracted by his mouth forming a tiny smile and by a little spark in his eyes.

'Yeah, I thought I was the queen of cheese here…' The curl of his lips sends butterflies to my stomach. 'But thanks, babe, for saying that… I just know you miss them so much… I hate seeing you so sad… and I hate to think that I can't do anything to help you with it… and that it's because of me that your parents don't want anything to do with you… I know it's stupid but sometimes I just wonder if you'll ever regret…'

'No!' I interrupt him and try to hold him again, make him smile again, but he gets up from the table and makes his way to the kitchen. I feel once more that there is something more I have to tell him but where are those words when I need them? Instead I say the first thing that comes to my mind as I look at him in the kitchen, his back turned at me.

'Christian… I'll never regret making the choice to be with you. Do you know why? Because there was no other choice I could make... How long do you think I could have gone on... trying to repress... Where do you think I'd be if it had gone on like that?' I get scared just thinking about that myself. 'That is the past and you and me… we are the future, right…? It is when I'm with you I can be who I'm supposed to be… And you know what… no matter how crazy everything is now, I have never been happier.' I really mean it and I only hope he hears that.

He comes back, still quiet, with the scrambled eggs and I just have to smile again. I really cannot get enough of this man and all of his quirks. Can't look at him enough, can't be with him enough. A little buzz goes off in my head at that thought and I search for his eyes. When he finally looks into mine I start talking again.

'Just listen to me, because this is important, Christian... ' I think I see a little nod from him. 'No matter what happens, I can come home to you and trust you to be there for me… have you got any idea how important that makes you...? You make me laugh when I need to… you stand beside me when I need your strength… I can always be who I really am with you and that means… everything…'

As I continue to babble my thoughts are caught by the real meaning of these words and these feelings. I stay quiet, thinking, for a couple of minutes as I look at him sitting down at the table handing me the eggs, finishing his own breakfast, drinking the last of his coffee. Everything slowly seems to fall into place in my head, one thing after another. The buzz is still there, sounding encouraging somehow, and when I've listened to it for a while I think I've finally found the words I have been searching for for so long. My heartbeat races as I swallow nervously and open my mouth.

'You have always seen the real me, wanted the real me… no one has ever done that before, not really... and you never stop caring for me… and you make scrambled eggs for me… and… and… marry me?'

**c-s-c-s-c-s**

'What?' My hand flinches so hard I'm suddenly wearing my coffee. I cannot believe I've heard him right and have no idea what to say. 'Surely my eggs aren't that good?' I try with a voice I don't recognise as my own.

Uncertain I look into his eyes to try and make some sense of what I thought I heard but I can't make anything out. There is a vague hint of a smile on his lips and in his eyes as my still shaking hand puts the mug down, but I really can't make anything of it.

'No… yeah… sort of…' he says, the smile becoming a little steadier '… 'cause Christian... that's just so _you_! You just… think of me… and you always make me feel like I am just at the right place at the right time and I don't want that feeling to end… ever… and I want to make you feel the same way…'

'What?' is still all I can say, although I feel that little stir in the furthest parts of my mind again. A small but approving stir.

He stands up and comes up to me, sitting numb in my chair, holds my face tenderly with his hands, the crumbs of his bagel still on his fingers, and looks me in the eyes.

'Christian… I know it can't be anytime soon… and I have no idea when and how it can be… and I know there's so much that needs to be sorted first… but I also know that you are the best and most important thing in my life… and I know I am incredibly, unbelievably in love with you…'

His eyes shine more and more with every word he says. I don't think I have ever seen anything quite so beautiful in my whole life… I find that I cannot even breathe, he is so beautiful.

'I know I want to be with you forever… and I know I want to make that official... So will you, Christian Clarke, coffee stains and all, please promise to marry me? Whenever it may be?'

I sit there quiet, just relishing in his presence as the bits and pieces of thoughts I've had for the last two months start to come together. I think I can actually hear the sound the last piece makes when it finally completes the picture. The beauty of this picture makes the tears burn behind my eyes. I take a deep breath to try and still my heart and I have to try a couple of times before I'm sure my voice carries over the lump in my throat as I answer him.

'I… I…' I have to stop and take another breath '…Yes… Syed Masood… love of my life… with soft cheese and bagel crumbs on your hands… I will be the happiest man in the world to marry you… whenever and wherever it can be.'

I see his eyes beam even more as he hears me and I feel an equally radiant smile forming on my own lips, despite the tears now balancing on the corners of my eyes. I slowly run my fingers through his hair, draw him even closer and kiss him as lovingly as I know how. As he starts kissing me back I once again feel all the pieces of the puzzle click into each other.

This is just how everything should be.

**c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s-c-s**

**At the end****, I'd like to thank Kevin and Scotty of Brothers&Sisters for the inspiration to write this ;). If you've seen it, you know what I mean!**

**You've been with me so far, ****thank you lovelies, so now you review! Let me know your thoughts on this. ****At least if you want me to write more...**


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